


Never Once

by Alyss_Baskerville



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: But not exactly, Canonical Character Death, Complicated Relationships, F/M, Implied Relationships, Love Triangles, Male-Female Friendship, One-Sided Attraction, Tatara is in love with Eto, Unhealthy Relationships, Worship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-18
Updated: 2019-08-18
Packaged: 2020-09-06 12:13:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20291269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alyss_Baskerville/pseuds/Alyss_Baskerville
Summary: To him, she's...It's difficult to explain, even for him. He understands the magnitude of what he feels towards her. It's always there, boiling and burning within his chest. Leaving her presence causes the stove's temperature - and consequently, the searing water's temperature - to rise. Being in her presence is like gasoline to the flames - they roar in his mind, scalding him from the inside out.No way around it.He loves her. He loves her, he loves her, he loves her, and he knows he does. He's never tried to deny his love for her to himself.





	Never Once

He's dying.

He's about to die.

Tatara remembers hearing that the first reaction upon realizing death is imminent is fervent denial. He would have scoffed. Denial. There is no use denying such a thing. All people, ghoul or human, die. It's simply a matter of time. He doesn't believe in fate, but death is an everlasting truth that none can escape. Death is as close to fate as anything can possibly get.

He's never understood the concept of denial itself, really. What is the point? What is the use? What is the benefit? Better to face the truth. 

He doubts anyone understands how he feels, but then again, maybe it's only sensible. After all, no one knows _her _like he does. No one looks at _her_ quite the way he does. No one sees _her _quite the way he does.

To him, she's...

It's difficult to explain, even for him. He understands the magnitude of what he feels towards her. It's always there, boiling and burning within his chest. Leaving her presence causes the stove's temperature - and consequently, the searing water's temperature - to rise. Being in her presence is like gasoline to the flames - they roar in his mind, scalding him from the inside out. 

No way around it. 

He loves her. He loves her, he loves her, he loves her, and he knows he does. He's never tried to deny his love for her to himself. 

Just as he's never tried to deny the fact that his love is probably something she would've laughed at. He can imagine her mossy green eyes gazing at him, full of amusement and pity. "_Love?" _she would repeat, smiling viciously, cruelly, that smile that ignites his desire. She's sadistic and twisted, and he adores it. He drinks in her moments of cruelty like a parched animal, because they're just so _beautiful._

_"Please, Tatara. Love is foolish. Throw it to the dogs."_

That's all she would probably say. He knows that her desires lay so far beyond his comprehension, and his fall utterly flat in comparison. Her vision is so magnificent, so incomprehensible, that he thinks she lost the conception of love long ago. Of course, there's the relationship between her and CCG's Reaper, but Tatara's doesn't believe what they have is love, either. It's not a belief that stems from envy or spite. What is between Eto and Arima Kishou is more than love. 'Love' fails to describe the two of them together. Mere words will always fail to describe either of them. 

'Love' is simply too small for Eto and Arima Kishou to waste their time on. They are too important. Too monstrous to bother with love. 

He's insignificant next to them, and that's why his sentiments will never be returned by Eto. Tatara's known this since long ago. He's accepted it. That isn't to say that it doesn't weigh on him every hour of every day, but he knows it, and he comprehends it, and he doesn't hide from it.

But there's no changing it either. He loves her.

He can't help but shake his head mentally at his own foolishness. No man should fall in love with a deity. 

And that's what she is, in his eyes. She's a deity. A goddess. A divine being that he's decided to dedicate his life to serving. No matter how solid she is, no matter how real and there and in front of him she's been, despite their friendship, she's unreachable. Untouchable. He can never fully and truly understand her. 

As much as he loves her, he worships her more. When his love grows stronger, his reverence rises to trump it. Perhaps that's why he's never brought up the feelings for her that they were both aware of. She knows but she's never spoken of it, and because she doesn't, he doesn't. This is Eto. If there is something she wants from him she gets it. And she gives no word about his love, so she wants none of it.

She's always sensed those stares he gives her when they're in private, away from the prying, greedy eyes of their subordinates. The looks of longing, the gazes of desire, the stares of yearning. She's never acknowledged any of them. She's never once even looked back in his direction. Instead, her eyes are always piercing intently ahead, burning with ambition. She sees something, something that he'll never truly understand, something that only she and Arima Kishou are capable of seeing. A world in which ghouls can live freely - just how in the world do they plan to accomplish that, he does not know, and he never will. He's never tried. 

Eto's given him the privilege of insight into her ultimate goal. He's one of the few that's permitted to know the truth about her schemes for the CCG, for Aogiri Tree, for Arima Kishou, for herself. That is enough for him. 

Knowing her is enough.

His thoughts return to the current situation. He's dying. He wagers that he's mere seconds away from death. 

No matter.

If his death will further advance Eto's ambition, then he has no complaints, no fear, no regrets. Years ago, he told her that he was fully willing to die for the sake of her dream. His vow has not changed one bit. For Eto's sake, death is nothing to him, just a new experience to end all new experiences. He doesn't plan to have any last words, any deep, heart-moving words of remorse or emotion. He may as well face it. He's dying. He'll be dead in mere moments. 

_"Tatara."_

Eto smiles at him, standing far away, out of his reach, as usual. Her green hair frolics in the wind, thick locks wreathing around her face languidly. The corners of her viridescent eyes crinkle slightly at the corners, and her lips curl upwards in a sunny smile. 

She's looking back in his direction, for the first time and the last. 

He decided not to have any last words. The world sees fit, apparently, to spit on his final decision, for the word slips out anyway.

"E...to..." 

He dies. 

**Author's Note:**

> I've always been pretty sure that Tatara is in love with Eto. He thinks of her right before his last stand ("Eto, farewell until next time") and her name is his last words. Seriously, need I say more? 
> 
> My primary Eto ship is AriEto (the king and queen XD), but I've always been so interested in Tatara's onesided love for Eto, so I decided to write about it. 
> 
> Thanks for reading.


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